Love makes the world go \u2018round, they say. Love will set you free, they say. And the best clich\u00e9 of them all: love conquers all. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
What good is love, though, when you\u2019ve got someone who has a fear of intimacy? Or even more tragic, you<\/em> are the one with it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sure, we all get scared of getting hurt by someone we\u2019ve invested time, effort, and emotions in. However, when that fear has been taken to \u201cthe point of no return,\u201d that\u2019s when it can be a problem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Fear of intimacy is real; on the surface, it\u2019s understood to be a form of social anxiety. Under that shell, however, is the manifestation of other fears that may have developed throughout life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It can be a real dread trying to connect with someone on a deeper level, especially when you have a fear of intimacy. You cannot share your thoughts, ideas, feelings, or physical bonding experiences with another. There\u2019s so much angst and jitters, which, undoubtedly, makes it a challenge to be in a relationship, let alone keep one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is far from the iconic Disney fairy tales that taught many of us the ideals of love and what a picture-perfect relationship looks like. As we went through our first heartbreak, a sense of weariness grew within us as it led to another and possibly more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are a few types of phobias that lie under the umbrella of the \u201cfear of intimacy.\u201d A 2011 doctorate thesis paper<\/a> highlights six of them: the fear of\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Additionally, other phobias can include:<\/p>\n\n\n\n These intimacy issues, if not addressed, can lead you down a dark path. <\/p>\n\n\n\n With any deep-seated distress, the fear of intimacy is often subconscious and stems from unresolved past experiences. It can also influence your attachment style, which is how you form relationships and the type of bonds you have with other people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe fear of intimacy is rooted in negative attitudes toward the self and others that develop early<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n in life,<\/em>\u201d explains researchers Dr. Anita L. Vangelisti and Gary Beck in Low-Cost Approaches to Promote Physical and Mental Health<\/em><\/a>. And regardless of the root of it, the causes tend to have the same outcome \u2014 developing behavioral patterns that ultimately push the other person away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So here\u2019s a closer look at what causes someone to fear intimacy:<\/p>\n\n\n\n When it comes to intimacy issues, neglect or abandonment during a person\u2019s formative years can cause such fear. It happens when a caregiver (a parent or guardian) is unresponsive, unavailable, or has not learned how to be comfortable with their own emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Research<\/a> suggests that when emotional needs during childhood are repeatedly ignored, invalidated, or minimized, it impacts relationships in adulthood. They\u2019re often anxious, often insecure, and dependent on their partner for validation and emotional regulation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n While trauma can look different for every individual, it often forces a person to be in constant \u201cfight or flight\u201d mode. They often feel unsafe, insecure, and even panic. And when it comes to intimacy, it can show up as avoidance, inability to express feelings, irritability, lack of sexual desire, or sensitivity to touch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And when triggered, they either hide their feelings, lash out, or shut down in response. The constant feeling of being on edge and the fear of trust make it extremely difficult to maintain relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Like trauma, abuse can force someone to always be on high alert. In fact, a prospective study<\/a> looked into childhood abuse and neglect and how it affects adult intimate relationships. Their results showed higher rates of cohabitation, walking out, and divorce among victims than among controls.<\/p>\n\n\n\n While those who have been through abuse may desire a healthy relationship, their past issues may distort their perception of self-worth and how they see others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cFrom birth, we are indoctrinated into fear<\/em>,\u201d explains clinical psychologist Dr. Shefali Tsabary at Mindvalley Live 2020<\/a>. She adds that our inner reality is often too difficult to face, so we constantly find ways to escape it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, understanding how it manifests in your life is one step closer to overcoming it. Here are five fear-of-intimacy signs you should know:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Trust allows you to rely on the other person\u2019s integrity, strength, and respect. And because of that, it provides you with a sense of safety.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s a major factor in any relationship, be it romantic or platonic. As a matter of fact, a 2019 survey<\/a> by Pew Research Center found that married couples have more trust in each other than those who cohabitate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, when there\u2019s a lack of it, you may feel suspicious, doubt your partner, and even isolate yourself. As a result, the relationship will lack the stability it needs to create a safe, respectful environment for both parties.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There\u2019s a right way to get angry<\/a>. However, when this big emotion isn\u2019t controlled and taken too far, it can lead to verbal, emotional, or even physical abuse \u2014 and that<\/em> is not acceptable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Explosive or frequent anger can cause a communication breakdown, lead to lapses in judgment, and lead to losing sight of what caused the frustration in the first place. In turn, it\u2019ll leave your partner feeling unsafe and cause long-term \u2014 and sometimes irreparable \u2014 damage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sharing your emotions can put you in a vulnerable position, but it\u2019s crucial to being connected to another person. It\u2019s all part of effective communication and can uphold passion in relationships<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, if you struggle with alexithymia (which means identifying and expressing emotions), it robs you and your partner of emotional closeness. Moreover, it forces them to assume how you feel, which, as the saying goes, \u201cmakes an ass<\/em> out of u<\/em> and me<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n More often than not, we hide behind masks, revealing the versions of ourselves that we want others to see. This can lead to us losing ourselves in the identity we choose to show instead of our authentic selves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAuthenticity<\/a>\u201d may make you roll your eyes, but it\u2019s a buzzword for a reason. The concept is about discovering your values and beliefs and living by them with gumption and grit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Similar to hiding behind a mask, the idea of showing your imperfections can often cause anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. This phobia is called atelophobia, the obsessive fear of imperfection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s an extension of believing that you\u2019re \u201cnot good enough.\u201d And no matter how great your relationship is, you tend to doubt whether you deserve it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A huge part of dating is pursuing intimacy \u2014 frequenting bars, swiping left or right on dating apps, joining relationship classes<\/a>, or even old-fashion matchmaking. But that can all come to a screeching halt when an unhealthy amount of fear is thrown into the mix.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s why it\u2019s important to recognize what blocks you from fully embracing intimacy<\/a>. So we turned to Mindvalley trainers to provide their expertise to help you go from fear to fearlessness.<\/p>\n\n\n\nWhat is the fear of intimacy?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Underlying fears at the root of intimacy issues<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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What causes the fear of intimacy?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Neglect or abandonment<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Trauma<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Abuse<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
5 signs you have a fear of intimacy<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
1. You have difficulty trusting people<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
2. You\u2019re angry\u2014a lot<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
3. You\u2019re unable to share your feelings or express emotions<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
4. You hide behind masks<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
5. You\u2019re afraid of not being perfect<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
How to get over fear of intimacy: 5 tips by Mindvalley experts<\/h2>\n\n\n\n