What Makes a Divorce Painful?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
The anger and frustration that builds up through the process can absolutely make divorce painful. Each spouse may develop and then try to conceal resentful feelings, even when they claim it to be a \u201cfriendly\u201d divorce.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cUncoupling is a systematic disentanglement of two lives infused with intense emotions,\u201d <\/em>says Julie. She points out two key triggers for a quarrelsome break-up: separating finances and child custody.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re wondering how long it takes to get over a divorce, the usual answer is two years. \u201cI always tell clients who are navigating divorce that they will not be like themselves for two years. You are essentially in fight or flight mode because you are losing the reality of what you had planned to be your roadmap forever.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s similar to the grief for death \u2014 the central topic in the book, A Matter of Death and Life<\/em><\/a>,<\/em> where psychiatrist Irvin Yalom talks about how long it takes to process the loss of a dear one. His reflection comes down to the same conclusion: the first year is still a matter of facing the reality that the usual life events won\u2019t be shared with the same person as last year.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Therefore, people go through family gatherings, holiday time, and Christmas dinner on their own while getting accustomed to their new reality. The second year is when things get more familiar. They would have the experience of the previous year to make the transition easier to process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Spirituality lets you know that there\u2019s a higher force making the world go round. And even when your life is turned upside down when learning how to get over a divorce, believing in the wisdom of the Universe may ease the pain and light up a new perspective.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Julie highlights that \u201cinvoking a spiritual practice is a beacon of light that allows us to reconcile the collateral damage of the bomb that is a divorce.\u201d <\/em>Being in tune with the energy of the Universe will connect you to something bigger, to life itself, and that nurtures peace within. Because life will always happen for you, no matter how difficult it might seem to believe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We have to stop asking why this is happening to me and start asking why it is happening for me.<\/p>\n\u2014 Katherine Woodward Thomas, trainer of Mindvalley\u2019s Conscious Uncoupling<\/em> Quest<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n Connecting to your spiritual side can take the form of:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Remember that being spiritual doesn\u2019t mean following a specific discipline that you don\u2019t resonate with. What it means truly is connecting to that essence within yourself that is already at peace.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Some people find that place within through immersing in nature or reading poems. But for others, a yoga flow and a chanting session might do it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Spirituality gives you the space to find your own practices taking you to an oasis of peace. And as the 18th-century poet William Blake said, \u201cTo see a world in a grain of sand and a heaven in a wild flower.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n In the midst of a raging storm such as a divorce, seeing the beauty in all the small details around you may encourage you to keep healing. Because the painful parts won\u2019t last forever. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In a nutshell, a breakup is nothing short of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have a complete spiritual awakening. One that catapults you to a whole new level of authenticity, compassion, wisdom, depth, and \u2014 dare I say it? \u2014 even joy.<\/p>\n\u2014 Katherine Woodward Thomas, trainer of Mindvalley\u2019s Conscious Uncoupling<\/em> Quest<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n Knowing how to get over a divorce with effective coping mechanisms to support you will make the process more bearable. Some people would even call it a happy divorce when the decision was mutual and the pain was minimized.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Julie shares five ways from her coaching practice to heal after your marriage ends. \u201cExperiencing a divorce is similar to experiencing grief. The feeling comes in waves.\u201d <\/em>But when you have a consistent practice of healing, you\u2019ll know how to navigate the waves of pain with more ease.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Whether it\u2019s healing from a breakup<\/a> or a divorce, a connection will always support you and bring you out of feelings of despair. Or, at least, create a safe space where you can express those dark episodes you\u2019re going through.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When your energy becomes chaotic, you will need some anchors to keep you grounded and keep you sane. And the caring people in your life are the best anchors to remind you that although you may live through the chaos at the moment, you are supported.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Julie strongly encourages you to \u201cgive yourself the love that you deserve.\u201d <\/em>It\u2019s essential to gather some self-love techniques<\/a> that suit your soul to give yourself some grace when you\u2019re not feeling well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s also important to remember that sometimes choosing to love yourself again and again won\u2019t be the easy choice to make. But it will be the one worth the most. <\/p>\n\n\n\n When going through a breakdown, people are more likely to numb away their pain with ineffective coping mechanisms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And self-love may look like letting yourself cry out all the pain and frustration or opening your heart to someone<\/a> you trust and sharing your feelings even though you want to run away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n By releasing endorphins through exercise, you will get a boost of energy and clarity. Through regular movement, you\u2019d also instill a routine of discipline and a habit for your brain of secreting your feel-good hormones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Exercise doesn\u2019t make the troubles go away. But it can support your journey of caring for yourself, keeping a healthy body, and having a strong immune system.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There\u2019s no surprise by now that your mind and body are connected. Finding a type of movement that you enjoy regularly will not only promote your overall well-being but will also create a space for you to release the build-up of your emotions when necessary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Therapy can be a helpful way to connect to yourself again and put back the pieces of your life that might have fallen off. <\/p>\n\n\n\n It can help you understand and accept why your life took this turn. And how it happened for<\/em> you. Therapy is a wonderful means to cultivate more compassion, acceptance, and resilience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It can also support you when dealing with feelings of anger, resentment, or frustration that you may either try to repress or lash out. It\u2019s a guided journey into your inner world while you process your loss and design a new life for yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cJournaling is a transformative tool that digs deep into the psyche to release the complex human experience on paper,\u201d<\/em> Julie explains. <\/em>She emphasizes the use of journaling when having a hard time finding clarity and purpose again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When exploring how to get over a divorce, you could start feeling overwhelmed and in need of answers. Writing everything down in a journal, no matter how horrible you think it sounds, may make more space in your mind. And this can enable your intuition to have the space to arise and guide you through.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Divorcing after a long marriage sometimes ends in a loss of identity. You\u2019ve been together with someone for so long that your whole sense of who you are is tied to another person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Julie, \u201cuncoupling after decades of marriage is particularly challenging for women who feel a loss of beauty and purpose. Again, it is important to implement a healing strategy and surround yourself with supportive humans.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n During her coaching practice, Julie noticed a difference between how men and women heal after a divorce. Usually, men express a lot of anger, while women are more vulnerable and emotional.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The problem is that \u201cmen are taught to be tough and suck it up, so the masculine energy often emits as explosive outbursts.<\/em>\u201d She explains that <\/em>anger is a secondary emotion that stems from fear or sadness, so \u201cit is important men have the underpinnings of support and make a commitment to healing.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Julie shared one of her client\u2019s stories that successfully healed after her divorce.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cKathy, aged 37, was a client of mine for two years. She had quite possibly the most contentious divorce I have ever witnessed. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Her ex-husband caused her unimaginable pain. He systematically maligned her to everyone who would listen, caused a deep divide between her and her children, and kept her in a court battle that topped over $120,000.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Kathy always had a smile on her face, even through parental alienation. She poured all her energy into making her painful journey of divorce her purpose. She became a legislative advocate for parental alienation, started a podcast on the topic, and is now writing a book to help others heal.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Additionally, here are a couple more powerful stories of learning how to get over a divorce from Mindvalley members enrolled in the Conscious Uncoupling <\/em>Quest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u2014 Kit Jotie<\/a>, from Surrey, Canada<\/p>\n\n\n\nGetting over a divorce<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
![\"How](\"https:\/\/storage.googleapis.com\/mv-prod-blog-en-assets\/2022\/12\/eb546013-how-to-get-over-a-divorce-pexels-rodnae.jpg\")
<\/figure>\n\n\n\nHow Can Spirituality Help?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\n
\n
\n
![\"How](\"https:\/\/storage.googleapis.com\/mv-prod-blog-en-assets\/2022\/12\/f217f26f-how-to-get-over-a-divorce-pexels-ketut-subiyanto.jpg\")
<\/figure>\n\n\n\n5 Ways to Get Over a Divorce<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
1. Create positive alliances<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
2. Self-care to nurture a broken heart<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
3. Exercise to self-medicate<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
4. Seek support through therapy<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
5. Release complex experiences through journaling<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
How to get over a divorce after a long marriage<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
How to get over a divorce as a man<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
![\"Couple](\"https:\/\/storage.googleapis.com\/mv-prod-blog-en-assets\/2022\/12\/5f0f1fd2-how-to-get-over-a-divorce-pexels-cottonbro.jpg\")
<\/figure>\n\n\n\n3 Powerful Stories of Healing After a Divorce<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
![\"kit-jotie-profile\"](\"https:\/\/storage.googleapis.com\/mv-prod-blog-en-assets\/2022\/12\/2aeaebf2-kit-jotie-profile.webp\")
<\/figure>\n\n\n\n\n
![\"paulina-young-profile\"](\"https:\/\/storage.googleapis.com\/mv-prod-blog-en-assets\/2022\/12\/d5e4348b-paulina-young-profile.webp\")
<\/figure>\n\n\n\n\n