We\u2019ve all been there: trying too hard to fit in. Even before the time of social influencers telling us what we should and should not do, being pressured to blend in has long been the narrative.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In a world filled with seven billion unique souls, why do we feel the pressure to dress, talk, or be a certain way? And what happens when we do try to conform? Does it lead to happiness?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
These are the things Kristina M\u00e4nd-Lakhiani<\/strong>, co-founder of Mindvalley, felt, too, having been born and grown up in the Soviet Union. And it\u2019s a major topic she really gets into in her book, Becoming Flawesome: The Key to Living an Imperfectly Authentic Life<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHumans want to be good<\/em>,\u201d she highlights. \u201cTo be factually more accurate\u2014we strive to be more of what we think is the perfect version of ourselves. The Perfect Me<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The thing many of us forget is that perfection isn\u2019t the goal; becoming flawesome (celebrating the awesomeness of your flaws) is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When it comes down to it, a person who\u2019s \u201ctrying too hard\u201d is someone who goes out of their way (to the extent of being annoying at times) to impress people or put others\u2019 needs before their own\u2014all in the pursuit of being liked. One example is a people-pleaser<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s what Kristina calls \u201cThe Hermione Syndrome.\u201d Inspired by Harry Potter<\/em>\u2019s Hermione Granger, this medically-sounding (but completely made up) term is the incessant need to be the best. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Pop culture has plenty of other great examples:<\/p>\n\n\n\n While being liked is an important factor for social connections (one study<\/a> found that it helps with both physical and mental health), going to extremes can actually be detrimental.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s only natural to want to be liked, for sure. But there can be times when we stop to think, \u201cAm I trying too hard?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n That, in and of itself, could be a sign that you are. Here are a few others to take notice of:<\/p>\n\n\n\n One of the five love languages<\/a> is words of affirmation\u2014\u201cYou’re awesome<\/em>,\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re enough<\/em>,\u201d etc., etc., etc. However, when you always need others to validate you, that\u2019s when you\u2019re trying too hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n An example is if you keep asking your partner, \u201cDo you love me?<\/em>\u201d even though you know they do. Or you keep requesting feedback on a work project even if you\u2019re confident enough in your work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Studies show that the constant need for approval can be quite unhealthy. A 2017 study<\/a> looking into how social media bolsters this behavior found that those who sought validation online were likely to be more anxious.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Remember Cady Heron from Mean Girls<\/em>? She\u2019s a prime example of ditching who she really is in order to be a part of The Plastics. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But that doesn\u2019t only happen in the movies; it happens in real life, too. If you look at any high school, kids dress, talk, and act a certain way to fit in with a certain group.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to a study<\/a> published in the Personality and Social Psychology Review<\/em>, people who want to be accepted socially often feel they need to change themselves in order to fit in. But the pressure of changing yourself just to be a part of a group can make you feel like an imposter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWill they like what I\u2019m wearing?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat if they think I\u2019m stupid?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat if they don\u2019t like me?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Overthinking<\/a>, obsessing, and overly worrying\u2014these come when you\u2019re trying too hard to fit in. So you do and act in ways that avoid any negative judgments.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And while there is a link<\/a> between self-esteem and being part of a social circle, it\u2019s not good for your well-being to care so much about what people think of you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s called \u201cyes-man\u201d because you agree to everything being said. That includes going out with friends, doing other people\u2019s work, lending people money, or agreeing to do something sexually when you, yourself, don\u2019t want to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Studies show that this can cause you to feel resentment, burnout, and exhaustion. One, in particular, found that people who have social anxiety<\/a> usually \u201cyes-man\u201d to things so that they can avoid conflict or maintain the status quo in a relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And so when you struggle to say \u201cno\u201d to anything, you\u2019ll end up saying \u201cyes\u201d to everything. <\/p>\n\n\n\n A major sign of \u201cHow do I know I\u2019m trying too hard?<\/em>\u201d is comparing yourself to others. It can lead you down a dark path of\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n And there are plenty of studies that show social comparison can take a hit on your self-esteem. In fact, one study<\/a> on the topic found that it can make you feel inferior and decrease your motivation, which can be a source of stress and develop into anxiety and depression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Social media doesn\u2019t help much either. So many people curate the things they post online. Sure, those heart-shaped glasses filters are fun and cute, but the beauty ones can be really misleading.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Imagine this: You\u2019re at a party and meet a group of people that you find cool and that you\u2019d love to hang out with. You agree with everything they say, laugh at their jokes, and even pretend to have similar interests (of course <\/em>you like the word \u201cmoist\u201d\u2014who doesn\u2019t?).<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, despite your efforts, they\u2019re not really connecting with you. Uh oh, shut down.<\/p>\n\n\n\nWhat does \u201ctrying too hard\u201d mean?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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5 signs that you\u2019re trying too hard<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
1. You constantly seek validation from others<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
2. Your behavior changes depending on who you\u2019re with<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
3. You worry about what others think of you<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
4. You \u201cyes-man\u201d to everything<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
5. You compare yourself to others<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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Why trying too hard doesn\u2019t work<\/h2>\n\n\n\n