\u201cWe’ve been indoctrinated to have the belief system that our children are very special children who are prodigies, are going to be the most excellent examples of humanity, right?<\/em>\u201d says Dr. Shefali Tsabary<\/strong>, a clinical psychologist and trainer of Mindvalley\u2019s Conscious Parenting Mastery<\/em> Quest. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cSo we push our children toward that, and we want to ensure their success. We want them to be better than all our siblings’ children and all the neighborhood’s children, and we want to extol their virtues on Facebook, and that’s how we get a sense of significance\u2014if our children are excellent in something<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here\u2019s how it may look: picture you\u2019re at a family gathering, and your cousin\u2019s kid is getting all the attention for being the starting quarterback on his football team. Not only that, but the kid is also on the honor roll, got voted prom king, and got accepted to all his college choices. Meanwhile, your kid is left alone like a wallflower.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That, in a nutshell, is the golden child syndrome, where the \u201cgolden\u201d part of the term comes from the idea that the child is seen as \u201cgolden\u201d or special by their parents. It\u2019s like playing favorites but in a not-so-nice-way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This phenomenon isn\u2019t an official medical term, which begs the question: Is golden child syndrome real?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Given its definition, it\u2019s just a fluffed-up name for perfectionism. And that<\/em>, for sure, is real.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to the American Psychological Association, “perfectionism<\/a>” is \u201cthe tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation<\/em>.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Kristina M\u00e4nd-Lakhiani<\/a>, co-founder of Mindvalley and author of Becoming Flawesome: The Key to Living an Imperfectly Authentic Life<\/em>, adds that our society\u2019s obsession with perfectionism is what leads us to the dark side.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So what causes golden child syndrome? Unsurprisingly, it\u2019s not a concept lost on generations. In fact, it\u2019s a generational cycle, according to Dr. Shefali. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In her book, The Awakened Family: A Revolution in Parenting<\/em>, she discusses the concept and how it can impact a child\u2019s sense of self as well as their relationships with others. Here\u2019s how she explains it:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWe were raised by parents who were simply unable to be there for us as we needed them to, out of their own inner chaos, hurts, and wounds, which led us to develop a persona of compliance or rebellion, where we believed we needed to be perfect or to act out in order to gain our parents\u2019 attention<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n What\u2019s more, there\u2019s research<\/a> showing the results of immense pressure to live up to the parent’s expectations; the child may start to have:<\/p>\n\n\n\n So when you\u2019re able to understand and recognize the signs, you can take the steps to break the cycle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So how would you know if your child is the \u201cgolden child\u201d of the family? Or maybe, how can you know if you are? <\/p>\n\n\n\n Here are a few golden child syndrome signs to watch out for:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Many golden children often feel that if perfection isn\u2019t achieved, then the result of that would be failure. But when you\u2019re able to identify these signs in them and address them, you\u2019re much better equipped to raise confident kids<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There\u2019s always that one kid in school\u2014let\u2019s call him Larry\u2014who seems to do everything right. He\u2019s got the lead in the school play, is the captain of the football team, and is the valedictorian of his graduating class.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cLarry\u2019s so smart<\/em>.\u201d\u00a0 Sure, Larry\u2019s a superstar now. But what happens to him when he grows up and enters the world? How does the golden child syndrome affect him emotionally and socially? What are the long-term consequences if this is part of your parenting skills<\/a>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here\u2019s how Larry (and your child, possibly) can turn out:<\/p>\n\n\n\n One of the major golden child syndrome symptoms is that they feel like there\u2019s no room for error. When your child is put on a pedestal, the expectation they put on themselves is that they have to be perfect all the time<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n And if they make a mistake or fail, what happens then? Self-criticism\u2026 Which can lead to anxiety… Which can then lead to depression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In one study<\/a>, the researchers looked into the origins of a narcissistic personality, specifically in children. They found that the kids who were overpraised were more than likely to have a fixed mindset, which means that they believe their abilities are innate and not changeable. <\/p>\n\n\n\n And this makes it so much more difficult for them to learn from their mistakes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Most golden children may be able to dish it, but they are really bad at taking it. Criticism and feedback? It\u2019ll likely turn defensive or hostile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWe regard getting hurt as \u2018bad,\u2019 because it forces us to adjust and cope<\/em>,\u201d explains Dr. Shefali in her Mindvalley Quest. \u201cWe feel as if we are simply unable to elevate ourselves in the manner asked of us and are terrified we will fall apart<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Take a look at Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory<\/em>. Even after 12 seasons, it\u2019s still hard for him to grasp the concept of empathy and compassion. For him, it\u2019s the concept of \u201cSheldon above all else\u201d (but thank goodness for Amy to straighten him up, right?).<\/p>\n\n\n\n Even a research study<\/a> on what happens when parents overpraise found that children who were praised too much and criticized too little were more likely to develop narcissistic tendencies. This will make it difficult for them to form any kind of healthy relationship, let alone do any kind of team activity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Much like criticism, failure is a major \u201chell naw.\u201d And because there are narcissistic tendencies, the golden child would have an incredibly hard time learning from their mistakes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Dr. Jordan Peterson, a well-known psychologist, in an interview<\/a> on Valuetainment, there are a number of young adolescents who are overprotected, overscheduled, and under-challenged (in some sense). And it\u2019s these children who tend not to be very resilient. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As mentioned, children who are often told how wonderful they are have a fixed mindset. And one study<\/a> found that this fixed mindset can make it harder for them to\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n But unlike Sheldon, who\u2019s open to change (even if it did take him 12 seasons to get there), those with golden child syndrome are much like birds in a cage. Even though it\u2019s in their nature to fly, they\u2019re too afraid to leave their comfort zone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The golden child is so afraid of failure that they rely on others to make decisions for them. Because of that, they may struggle with being independent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Unfortunately, this makes it difficult for them to come into their own. There is even research that supports this. A 2007 study<\/a> found that being an overprotective parent is like putting the child in a bubble\u2014it limits their exposure to new experiences and opportunities to make decisions on their own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Not only that, but this dependency can ultimately be projected onto their children, their children\u2019s children, and so on down the generational line, according to Dr. Shefali.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThis symbiosis of selves ultimately leaves little room for each to grow and thrive<\/em>,\u201d she explains. \u201cIt then gets projected onto our children, enslaving them to our parental fold beyond what\u2019s healthy<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The brain, the athlete, the basketcase, the princess, the rebel… These are just a few of the many labels that children get stuck with as they go through high school, even if they don\u2019t really feel like they fit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s like the case in the movie The Breakfast Club<\/em>, where the students write a letter to Mr. Vernon. \u201cYou see us as you want to see us<\/em>,\u201d they wrote in their letter. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The same goes for the label \u201cgolden child.\u201d Everyone expects them to be perfect (and that includes themselves), but what if they don\u2019t want to be? What if they want the freedom to mess up once in a while?<\/p>\n\n\n\n How you parent your child has a direct influence on their identity, as research like this 2008 study<\/a> has shown. And with all the pressure to live up to such impossible standards, it can make them feel like they don\u2019t know who they truly are. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As a parent, you are the result of your parents\u2019 childhood upbringing. They are the result of their parents\u2019 upbringing. And on and on it goes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you, yourself, are a golden child, it\u2019s likely you\u2019ll raise yours as one too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But according to Dr. Shefali, parenting is less about your child and more about your inner child\u2014this is the basis of her conscious parenting<\/a> approach. It\u2019s how you\u2019ve come to terms with your unconscious patterns and how you want to show up in your relationship with your child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So how can you overcome the syndrome? Here are three great tips from Dr. Shefali to get you started:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Parents who nudge (or push, for lack of a better word) their kids toward success often see themselves as \u201cdevoted.\u201d But when their children begin to act out, they\u2019re very much like, \u201cWhat the…?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Then come control and punishment. All because the ego was bruised\u2014and by their own kid, no less. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Dr. Shefali recommends self-observation and asking yourself these questions:<\/p>\n\n\n\n For herself, Dr. Shefali explains that it almost always comes from her ego and not her daughter\u2019s \u201cbad behavior.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dr. Shefali Tsabary\u2019s tip: <\/strong>\u201cWhat is the need [of your child]? Because when you focus on the need, you go from your ego (which is in the head) to your heart, and your heart opens and you connect<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The unconscious parent projects their own ideas and beliefs onto their offspring. Forget what the child wants. \u201cThis is what you should do<\/em>\u201d and \u201cThis is how you should be<\/em>\u201d are the universal ways parents shape and mold their children into the way they<\/em> want them to be. <\/p>\n\n\n\n There are seven billion souls on this earth, and each one is unique, including your child. Just like you wouldn\u2019t compare a banana to an apple, you shouldn\u2019t compare one child to another. <\/p>\n\n\n\n And while you may connect better with one child over another, treating them with unbiasedness helps them grow at their own pace without the pressure of the golden child syndrome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Dr. Shefali Tsabary\u2019s tip: <\/strong>\u201cWhat conscious parenting seeks is to go beyond the superficial to the deeper essence of the child and ask the parent to not see the child as an extension of the self, as an extension of the ego. To challenge oneself, to see the child as a unique free sovereign being<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n There\u2019s this quote by poet Maya Angelou that goes like this: \u201cI have learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel<\/em>.\u201d And \u201cpeople\u201d includes your child. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Because here\u2019s the thing: kids who are judged and criticized, especially when they\u2019re not meeting the caliber that\u2019s expected of them, often have golden child syndrome in adulthood. But, as research<\/a> shows, when parents set aside their judgment and accept their children for who they are, their kids tend to have higher self-esteem and better mental health.<\/p>\n\n\n\nIs it real?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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<\/figure>\n\n\n\nWhat are the main signs of golden child syndrome?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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How can this syndrome affect children\u2019s lives?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\u201cLarry\u2019s so talented<\/em>.\u201d\u00a0
\u201cDid you see Larry score a kajillion touchdowns to win the championship game?<\/em>\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n1. Perfectionism<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
2. Difficulty coping with criticism<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
3. Difficulty coping with failure<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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4. Difficulty with independence<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
5. Struggle with identity<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
How can you overcome the syndrome? 3 practical tips from Dr. Shefali Tsabary<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
1. Mind your behavior<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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2. Treat all children uniquely<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
3. Set aside your judgment<\/h3>\n\n\n\n